God hates me and so I'm in Iowa

You know things are pretty fucked up when the best news you've had all week comes from Fish!

Well, if things had gone according to plan I would be in warm Austin, TX right now drinking a margarita on the patio of Eddie V's with a couple of hot Harriettes. Tomorrow I'd be eating some kickass sushi at Chon Som and on Friday I'd be kickin' back in the Carousel listening to the sounds of the Mad Cowboys -- getting my Lone Star fix and trying to sneak a beer from the bar without Stella catching me. On Sunday I would be doing the second annual Chuck Norris Hash. Big if.

But god hates me and so I'm in Iowa. Let me tell you about Iowa these days; Iowa City is a bi-polar mess of slush soup by day and ice obstacle course by night. When you walk out the door in the morning you don't know if you're going to fill your shoes with ice water or slip and fall on your ass. The choices kinda suck but the suspense keeps things interesting.

All the more reason to head south, right? Unfortunately, wrong. You see as it turns out there are three flu viruses out this year. I already caught one of them for Christmas so I should be home free -- but this weekend I managed to catch another one. For those of you who haven't ventured north of the Mason-Dixon line, let me just tell you that you haven't really lived until you've walked a hyper German Shepard through an ice storm at midnight with a fever of 103. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Rebecca just had foot surgery last week so there's only one dog walker in the family.

Boo hoo for me. I'll stop bitching now, it's not really that bad. Besides, Fish shot me some good apple news yesterday and next week I'll be in Austin where the only ice I touch will be when I reach into the beer cooler.

On-On!

A 70-year-old American tourist killed his would-be mugger in Costa Rica earlier today.

The U.S. Army vet put one of the three knife-wielding attackers in a choke hold breaking his clavicle (and probably his neck) when the other (also seniors) tour members began fighting back the two other assailants fled the scene.

This is a great propaganda campaign for the Middle East: US Army, even our senior citizens will kick your Haji ass!

Jeez, and they say that I'm an asshole.

I just looked at Sprinkles' blog from the other day and he compared me some poor girl he knows who happens to have a name phonetically similar to mine (no, her name isn't Chlamydia). Talk about guilty by association... then again she is a friend of Sprinkles so she can't care that much about her reputation!

Well I've never met the other Dani Davis but I can assume there are quite a few differences besides her being obviously way better looking.  So in deference to David Letterman here are the top ten ways Dani Davis is different than Dan Davis:

10. Dani still thinks Brownie is straight.

9. Dani doesn't call Brownie "Sprinkles."

8. Dani doesn't make Brownie always be "the Bottom."

7. Dani probably wonders why the Crack Whores all seem know Brownie's name.

6. Dani hasn't seen Brownie throw up as many times as I have.

5. Dani probably doesn't suspect that the reason that Brownie left Austin is because he had to.

4. She has probably never written on Brownie's forehead with a sharpie (but that would make her one of the few people).

3. Dani still thinks that when Brownie talks shit to girls he can actually back it up.

2. Dani has never made a song up about Brownie.

1. Dani probably thinks that rash he has is from his running shorts.

A Good Thing to Know:

Today I learned an helpful piece of information. Did you know that the Colorado Springs Postal Service will not deliver mail addressed to anyone named "Sprinkles the Wanker"?

I'm not sure how he's going to get his mail when he legally changes his name but I guess he'll cross that bridge when he comes to it.

On-On!

Vickie Lynn Hogan, better known as Anna Nicole Smith died today at the ripe old age of 39. Ancient tycoons all over the world shed a collective tear -- at least they would have if their lacrimal ducts hadn't ceased to function long ago.

In the dictionary under the listing for "Shitbag"

In San Francisco this afternoon, mayor Gavin Newsom (who is currently running for re-election) admitted to having an affair with his campaign manager's wife. In his news conference the mayor called his actions a "lapse in judgment."

Just so everyone's clear on how this works: Politicians, lazy fucks that they are, don't even get themselves elected, their campaign staffs do that for them. Politicians just show up and read a script that someone else who's way smarter than they are wrote for them about subjects that the politicians neither understand nor care about. Then they go home until the next appearance. Meanwhile their staffs go back to the office and work into the wee hours of the morning researching the issues, refining the platform, getting the word out. I know this because I worked on a campaign briefly in college. It wasn't pretty.

Basically what annoys me about this story is that it went down like this: Alex Tourk, the campaign manager was out working his ass off to get his friend Gavin Newsom elected. Gavin, being a parasitic bottom feeder (read: politician) thought he'd use the opportunity created by Alex's absence to go over and bang his buddies wife. He'd still be doing it today but he got caught.

I understand, Gavin's a politician, all that success that people worked so hard to get for him went to his head. He got a big ego, messing around is forgivable (at least by me -- he'll have to run it by his wife, but Hillary understood, so...) But look, even the lowest form of life (a politician) has to have some sort of moral compass. Don't fuck over your campaign workers.

/end rant